Absurdity, n.: A statement or
belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
Acquaintance. A person whom we
know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Beauty, n: the power by which
a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Bigot: One who is obstinately
and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
Bore: a person who talks when
you wish him to listen.
Bride: A woman with a fine
prospect of happiness behind her.
Childhood: the period of human
life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -
two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.
Consult: To seek approval for
a course of action already decided upon.
Coward: One who, in a perilous
emergency, thinks with his legs.
Dawn: When men of reason go to
bed.
Day, n. A period of
twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
Debt, n. An ingenious
substitute for the chain and whip of the slave driver.
Destiny: A tyrant's authority
for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
Faith: Belief without evidence
in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without
parallel.
Happiness: an agreeable
sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Immortality: A toy which
people cry for, And on their knees apply for, dispute, contend and lie
for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
Liberty: One of Imagination's
most precious possessions.
Litigation: A machine, which
you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Logic: The art of thinking and
reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of
the human misunderstanding.
Love: A temporary insanity
curable by marriage.
Mad, adj.: Affected with a
high degree of intellectual independence.
Marriage, n: the state or
condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two
slaves, making in all, two.
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces
which serve the French in place of a state religion.
Painting, n.: The art of
protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the
critic.
Patience, n. A minor form of
despair, disguised as a virtue.
Philosophy: A route of many
roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Photograph: a picture painted
by the sun without instruction in art.
Politeness, n: The most
acceptable hypocrisy.
Politics: A strife of
interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public
affairs for private advantage.
Pray, v.: To ask that the laws
of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly
unworthy.
Prescription: A physician's
guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the
patient.
Religion. A daughter of Hope
and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
Saint: A dead sinner revised
and edited.
Sweater, n.: garment worn by
child when its mother is feeling chilly.
Telephone, n. An invention of
the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable
person keep his distance.
Vote: the instrument and
symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his
country.
